Elephant : What's Your Story?

What's Your Story?

From: "Thom Forbes"

Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2005 06:01:27 -0700

Subject: What's your story?

Drunk, addict, child, cop, victim, parent, social worker, sibling, social worker, judge, codependent, advocate or President, we've all got a story to add to the medicine wheel.

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From: "Paula Bundy"

Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 20:13:40 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

A fellow worker emailed the the information to me today about "Saving Carrick" to be aired on Dateline tomorrow evening. I was very pleased.

We have been going through a "living hell" with our son, Ben, who will turn 20 on 9/8/05. We began noticing changes in him during his Junior Year of high school. He began hanging around with a pretty rough crowd, became involved with a girl who has BiPolar Disorder who had lots of friends on probation or in jail, etc.

He was arrested on a DV complaint the day after Mother's Day in 2004. We were told to throw him out of the house as he wasn't abiding by our rules, etc., skipping school, etc. and then when he was arrested the court mandated he live with us It's very hard to detach when it is court ordered.

He continued to smoke pot even during his pretiral sentence, etc. That was just the tip of the iceberg. We found out after his hearing 9/23/04 he began using all kinds of toehr drugs, except Heroin. He has threatened and tried suicide many times, was in a 5 day inpatient program in March/2005, etc. In and out of highs and lows with his girlfriend who also has a baby now, that she reports is Ben's. The problem is they were not going out last year when she became pregnant and she will not do a Paternity Test and talked him into signing an Affidavit of Paternity.

The good news is we saw him getting worse and worse. In April of this year he began searching for a program. We live in NH and treatment is not that great and is few and far between.

He was busted on June 13 for a bowl pack of pot on his person at about 12:30 a.m. on his Dad's birthday. His girlfriend and another girl was with him. Ben was driving. So, you can only guess what that means and he was on probation. June 17 he was arrested by his PPO and taken to a County Jail.

July 7 at his Probation Violation Hearing his court appointed attorney cut a deal for Ben to attend a program in Florida for 6 months to a year. He has to have a successful complet ion and stay clean or go back to jail for a year and he has a year's good behavior also. He left 7/8/05 and we hired an off duty corrections officer to fly to Florida with him so that we would not be in the middle so to speak.

The girlfriend got nothing, no arrest-no fine, as she pulled her Bipolar act on the local police officers, said she was on Lithium & that's why she acted the way she did, etc. They took her to her mother's home, where I might add they do all kinds of drugs & alcohol & give it to other young people. They also grow Marijuana at the residence. Local Police have done nothing because the mother is also Bipolar and has breast cancer. However, the girlfriend has her own apartment and she has a trust fund that pays for everything, including the drugs she bought for herself, her friends, and our son

Our local DCYF authorities hands are tied regarding taking the baby away because they do not feel the baby is in "immenent danger"

We hope the distance will be good for our son. Our family has begun attending NA meetings and Al-Anon meetings.

I look forward to watching the program. God Bless you all - I shall hold you close in my heart and pray for the Recovery movement to have stronger voice.

Sincerely,

Paula

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From: Jennifer

Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 20:43:58 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I linked in through MSNBC - so glad to see the honesty, the painfully familiar story. Most familiar of all is the web of lies so thick and fluid that reality becomes a moving target - impossible to focus on.

My sister is an addict. Of what? Crack for sure, heroin, pot, oxycontin, anything and everything that offers a momentary escape. She has lost everything, her home, her children, her life - and yet cannot even fathom that she has done this herself. According to her, she doesn't touch drugs - even when we found her the drugs on her. She is the ultimate victim.

I love her and forgive her. However I cannot talk to her. It is all lies, and accusations, confusion and "spinning" a story. I feel like I am walking on a rickety bridge when we speak. One gust of wind, and you can easily go over.

Her children are with us, beautiful and wounded, innocent and angry all at the same time. Incredibly, unflinchingly loyal to her. Only now, a year after they were taken from her, are they opening up. They have lied and covered for her for years. She hocked their toys, birthday presents - they have seen her do awful things.

Have you ever gotten the stomach flu? Before you know it, you are throwing up and in agony. Later when it passes, you think back and realize that there were little hints that it was coming your way. You couldn't eat lunch, you were exhausted, etc. It seems like a strange comparison, but I feel that way now.

For over 10 years every single member of my family (me included) has ignored growing signs and problems. Now that the big, giant, ugly truth is here - I think to myself how could I have been so blind all these years?

How could I have done that, especially when there were children involved?

Sorry to unload here. This was the last place I thought I would end up tonight.

I will watch the episode for sure, and thanks so much for sharing your journey.

Jennifer

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From: Jlynn57

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 11:59:38 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Paula,

I can relate to your story. As my son sits in jail, there are many people I can think of who should be in there too But, where are they? Out on the street doing whatever they please. I can feel for you. It always seemed as though my son was the "one" getting caught and paying for his actions. But I still believe that God does truly works in mysterious ways. I feel that our sons are having a real life learning experience that God could use for their good and the goods of others. Who knows, maybe they will be counselors one day. We never know. And the people who didn't pay for their crime, will possibly continue on in life in their own purgatory

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From: "Sharon Berg"

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:30:45 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I am looking forward to seeing your story tonight; I have lived it and for 8 more years than you. Just be careful. My parents tried for too many years to save my sister, and it hurt everyone just so so much. We were also a family of 2 parents and 2 children. But one child took up 1000% of everything. I have a 24 year old daughter and I just don't know what I would do in my parents' or your circumstances. I say a prayer every day that so far I have not had to make that decision.

I am 60 years old. I have (had) a sister 8 years younger, parents, niece and nephew, daughter and granddaughter. Sis is an alcoholic and heroin addict since 14. All my parents' time, money, love, attention and emotions (their very lives) went to enabling her and saving her -- from herself. They lived very frugally, brought up her two kids and denied there was a big problem. She and her "friends" stole from us all, and not just money. Dad died at 85 in 2003. Sis got mom to sell her house of 55 years in 2004 and took her away. I never saw my mom or any of my family again. If I called, my sister would scream obscenities. My mother died at 84 in December of 2004. No one told my daughter or me. We found out from something posted on the internet and then visited the cemetery and found her headstone, in July 2005, nine months after her death. I don't know how to deal with this. On the one hand, I am relieved that the violence and abuse is over for my parents sake. On the other hand, I am so angry that my mother was put through more abuse the last months of her life. But I am also angry that she abandoned me and her granddaughter and left us with no answers although I am sure she did it to save us from more harm. My sister is violent. I have many times been afraid for my life. My sister with money (my parents') scares me even more. The last two years are a blur and a nightmare. I feel like I am in shock. My daughter and I talked a lot about wh at to do and hoped we would one day get a call from "grandma". I spok e to my mom every day of my life until she disappeared with my sister. I don't know what to do.

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From: dukes327

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 18:53:49 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I saw "Saving Carrick" tonight. It was almost like watching my life with different faces. My husband and I are also recovering alcoholics, 23 and 24 years respectively. My beautiful, intelligent, engaging daughter Katie, 18 years old and pregnant, living with her father and her druggie boyfriend, overdosed November 13, 2005 in her own bed with her boyfriend, who was also stoned, in the same room.

Two weeks before her death, I emailed her, begging her to go into rehab, that I was greatly concerned about her and her unborn son. I told her I considered her drug use to be child abuse and that I had to be the voice of her unborn son, since he had no voice. And that if necessary, I would call DYFS to protect her baby, and possibly force her into rehab. She of course, lied, telling me that she was not using. I wanted to believe her.

I did not follow through. And two weeks later, my husband and my pastor knocked on my door at 9:00 am Saturday November 13, 2 005 with the words a parent of a drug user/addict dread hearing. My child, who was having a child was dead from an overdose. In one fell swoop I lost a child and a grandchild. I am devastated. I am lost.

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From: "mike liegert"

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:36:55 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

When my wife and I watched the story everything came back of what we went through with our son.He is a great kid and a great athlete and person.The hardest thing I have ever done was have him arrested before I find him dead of an overdose or suicide.We experienced almost the same thing the Forbes family when through.It was just tearing us apart that Colby could do something like this.We tryed a treatment program at first and it only worked for a couple of months and then came along his old friends if that's what you want to call them to lead him back to the dark side.He has been serving time since December 16th and is doing very well and attending classes.the hardest part for him was the first two weeks of de-tox,because there was no where to get it.We love him very much and always will.The big question for me is,would he still be alive if I would have let him go.I enjoyed the Forbes story very much.It really hit home.

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From: Jersey

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:42:52 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I am a maintenance counselor at a methadone clinic. I have patients who have used for over 25 years or less than 5 years. Most of the patients have hepatitis or TB due to their usage. I have patients that started with pain killers and then graduated to heroin. I have others that never tried pain killers and went straight to heroin. Some patients have family supporting them and others don't. We have patients that have been in the program for over 5 years and still use. Others that no longer use. There is no prediction when it comes to opiates. The advice I can give is don't give up. If you have a family member or a friend using heroin and have used for sometime methadone and counseling is the best treatment. Detox is not suggested because most detox patients relapse due to withdraws. Most clinics require that a patient go through 2 detoxs before they can go on maintenance (counseling with methadone) unless they are IV users. Methadone eliminates the physical withd raw symptoms but not the mental addiction. I do my best to help them overcome the mental addiction. It is not easy but, it is not impossible. An addict is an addict forever. The craving cant be eliminated only contained. Mr. Forbes I thank you for your story on dateline. I hope my patients watched the program along with their families.

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From: Roberta

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 23:39:38 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

My mouth still can't quite get around the words: "My daughter is a heroin addict". It is reality, but still very hard to deal with. How can a girl with so much promise end up sticking needles in her arm? My mind has gone over a thousand reasons, and in the end it is just fruitless. I keep coming back to the reality of her addiction and what it is doing to her.

She is 20 years old and has been shooting heroin off and on for about 2 years. "Off and on" means she stops when the police are involved, or she goes to rehab or a half-way house, or cons herself into believing she can quit on her own. She predictably relapses soon after, without ever getting to the root of her problem. She has a hard time dealing with her negative feelings, low self-esteem, etc. It is a vicious cycle that is getting her nowhere fast.

In spite of all the help she has had access to, she continues to use. I am trying hard to have faith that she will see what this is doing to her future. She is an intelligent, but lost soul right now. It is hard to watch someone you love go down the drain slowly, and be powerless to fix the situation. Sometimes I think: "She can numb her feelings with heroin, but I have to deal with my fears about her health and recovery cold-turkey" I continue to pray, keep the lines of communication open, let her find her "bottom", and not allow her to use me to prolong her addiction. It's all I can do right now--I wish it was more.

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From: nicksmom

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 00:17:52 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Were do I begin, if I was to begin from the start there is not enough space My heart goes out to all that have endured the pains of a child going through addiction. :frown: The biggest fear that I had was that I would get that horriable call that he had overdosed and died. I took my son's addiction personal. Where did I fail as a parent? I did what I thought was best. I was called an enabler. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I don't think there are any wrongs or rights.

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From: JoAnn

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 08:17:25 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I honestly do not know if my child is an addict. When I met with his psychiatrist I was told I would know nothing because of privacy laws. I have to rely on my 16 year old son to tell me. There's an old saying: "If it quacks like a duck, it is a duck." Well, my son quacks like an addict. He lies, he runs away, he steals, his personality has changed and he is no longer the sweet boy I knew. He ran away 10 days ago. This is the 6th time.

I've decided to not smoke him out or hunt him down. I've decided to wait until he comes home. I'm torn with anxiety and depression. I think I am strong enough mentally to do the right thing. But I have no idea what the right thing is. Do I let him find his way? Do I wait or hunt him down?

The worst part is part of me doesn't want him to come home. I feel as though I'm drowning when he is home. He takes my every waking moment. He is demanding and rude. I have a younger son to care for. No one will help us. Doctors cite privacy laws. I have no family. I am battling depression and health problems.

I think I have convinced myself that while he is away I will get physically stronger, I will work hard to make money, I will concentrate on taking care of my other son. When I am better able to handle him again, maybe then I will search for him. Maybe then I will have the tools to help him. Maybe he will come home then and I will be able to help him.

But the real truth is I'm sinking into depression and despair and the heartache of his being away is harder than the heartache of him being home. I have not gone out or answered the phone in these past 10 days. I couldn't answer if anyone asked me where he is or how he is. My psychiatrist wanted to up my depression meds, but I said no. The dose I am on now makes me feel sleepy.

I feel like a failure. These past 16 years when no one wanted anything to do with my son: his dad abandoned him (probably to hide his gay lifestyle), he has adhd and hasn't been able to make friends, he was thrown out of school and I was forced to homeschool him, his boss fired him after I discovered this boss was using my son to buy his cocaine and confronted him; when no one wanted anything to do with my son, I was strong and hopeful and kept trying new avenues. All along I had a feeling that my son would make it and become hugely successful and that we could show all of them how wrong they were for rejecting my son. And we would forgive everyone and live happily ever after.

Insert huge sobbing here.

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From: "Christina Carhart"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 12:05:59 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

long story short: am a 23 year old heroin addict. i was shooting between $50 and &100 worth of heroin everyday for two years. finally i got into trouble and had to get clean, although i didn't really want to. i hated the lifestyle but still loved the high. my sobriety lasted for about 8 months. 2 two months ago i relapsed. yesterday i took a look around at my disgusting drug riddled apartment and decided that if i didn't get out right then and there my life would pass me by. i am now detoxing (28 hrs. clean). everytime i start to think about getting high i come to this website until it passes. you may be saving my life. thank you.

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From: "leslie dyer"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 12:25:45 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Christina

I will be praying for you You CAN do it:))))))))) I love you

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From: "Chris Kelly"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 13:09:18 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Alejandra is 37 - and an early methadone success story, though it took her years to accept the role of the medication in her life. She had been troubled since childhood, extremely bright, but extremely oversensitive. Half puerto rican and half irish she grew up in a wealthy family in Westchester county. As she tells it "my mother used to say that I was more finely tuned than anyone. I heard noises louder and saw colors more vividly. I walked differently through the world."

At age 13, when her parents divorced, she picked up drugs and by 14 was injecting heroin. She got arrested and her parents picked her up after a night in jail. "With heroin" she said "I felt normal, it made me feel safe. And in a state where I could communicate with other people. I didnt feel these raging hormones or these raging emotions, everything was tuned down. I felt naked and vulnerable and desperate without it."

Because of her family's status, she was allowed to enter a methadone program for treatment at that time, even though she was only 15. Her first experience with methadone was extremely positive - she stopped using heroin, graduated from high schoo and went off to BU. Gradually, she cut her methadone dose to zero and graduated from college with honors. However, while attending NYU law school she became deeply depressed and disillusioned. She starte using cocaine and when a longterm relationship ended, she became again addicted to heroin.

"Now I was using alone, which I had never done. I felt sleazy. It was always worst to me when the sun was coming up in the morning, you've exhausted your resources, you feel dirty and disgusting and the rest of the world is just waking up to a brand new day."

She did not want to return to methadone, however - seeing it as admitting defeat. When things got really bad however, she did.

"I finally got on the methadone program"

Methadone allowed her to stabilize her life. Though the counseling at the program she attended was a mixed bag (one counselor had an affair with her, others were abusive, but some were helpful) the medication itself helped her to distance herself from the street scene. She met a man who was not a drug user and got married. She kept believing that she could not get on with her life unless she got off methadone, however.

"I always qualified it with 'when I get off methadone....." I still believed that this was a temporary thing. I resented it. Ifelt like crap for being on it, I wouldnt' go back to law school until I got off of it because I didnt' trust my mental facilities. You name it, anything that was wrong with me I blamed on the methadone".

Finally, carefully, she detoxed after several years and went into a 28 day rehab. Shortly before she would have had her first year "drug free" however, she relapsed and fell into despair. Returning to the methadone program, she resolved not to let it be an excuse. She began to see methadone as a medication that could help an imbalance in her neurochemistry, rather than a recreational drug that she was "bad" for wanting. Sh read the research and found that her beliefs about methadone impairing her abilities were false. She returned to law school, got her degree and is now practicing. "I do believe that methadone saved my life".

From "Recovery Options - The Complete Guide - How You and Your Loved Ones Can Understand and Treat Alcohol and other Drug Problems by J. Volpicelli and M. Szalavitz, John Wiley & Sons, published in 2000.

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From: "Thom Forbes"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 13:55:34 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Christina,

As they say, keep coming back. There's really only one reason for this site, and it's for people like us to sustain each other.

-Thom

Thom Forbes

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From: "Thom Forbes"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 15:23:45 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

"I wanted to believe her," you write. It's a theme that rings so true with me and, I suspect, with so many others who are reading it here. We are just very fortunate that our outcome ? today, right now ? is different than yours. I grieve with you; I also hope you will accept that it was not your fault that your daughter ODed.

-Thom

Thom Forbes

From: mick

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 19:58:11 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

We're so happy that you were able to accomplish what we couldn't. We've been going through this with our daughter Samantha for over 4 years. We tried getting the attention of our great governer of Arizonas attention, the local media etc. and nobody would take notice of it. We were even looking online to see if anyone would want to do a story or have us on their talk show about it. But nothing happened. Now we've lost her back at her mothers place in Tucson and hope that someday she will end up being sick and tired of being sick and tired. We still talk to her but she knows that she too is no longer allowed here at our house until she can confirm that she has had counseling or rehab of some sort. My fiance found this site through the MSNBC news videos and we had to watch it. God has it hit home. Our whole family is in recovery and our daughter samantha has been around the 12 step program since she was a child also. We hope and pray someday that she will get the help she needs . She got so strung out on Crystal Meth that everything that your story was about was the same thing with us and her. Keep up the good work and tell carrick to hang in there and just stay focused on the one day at a time issue. God Bless all of you for finally being able to get something like this out into the public and for establishing this web site.

Mick and Petra Gollihue

p.s. Petra and I are getting married this December and we were hoping that samantha would make it. However we have stipulated that if she isn't 110% cleaned up by then, that she won't be allowed to attend, not matter how hard it is on us.

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From: "Deirdre Drohan Forbes"

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2005 20:35:51 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Mick and Petra,

Remember the old parental saying of “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you?” It usually referred to some type of corporal punishment. I think turning your child out of your life is the biggest hurt we can do to ourselves for the sake of saving our children.

Carrick and I had the honor to visit and speak at a sober house called “WINR’s” (Women in New Recovery) in Mesa, AZ this past February. The “Our Common Welfare,” organization invited us to speak at their Recovery Day celebration. It was an incredible experience for both of us. Many of the women were recovering Meth addicts. It was the first time we were faced with that type of addiction. While I know 2 meth labs have been busted in rural New York State, the drug has not reached here in anywhere the same capacity as it has out your way. And what a drug it is WINR’s was such a warm, suppoprtive environment for learning how to get and stay sober and find a life worth living. Perhaps your daughter might look into it. It’s founder Patricia Henderson, is a most amazing, energetic and forceful woman who cares so much about sharing sobriety

Don’t forget your wedding day is for you to honor each other no matter what. But I’ll send good thoughts your way in hopes she’s allowed and welcomed.

Deirdre

From: "Elsa Holderness"

Date: Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:37:41 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Unfortunately, I have just found out about "Saving Carrick" that aired on Friday night. If anyone would be willing to send me a copy of their tape, I would appreciate it tremendously.

My story involves my husband, Jason. We have been married for a little over a year and it is true that marriage does not fix anything. We have been strugging with his addiction (and my co-dependency) for nearly 4 years. Oxycontin was his first drug of choice, then after a few rehabs, heroin overtook him.

His family and I have struggled to always do the right thing and the best thing for Jason. We've tried rapid detox (something that I would never recommend to anyone now that I understand addiction), rehabs - some reasonably priced, another the best of the best. He's been a member of NA, had a sponsor, tried seeing an addiction therapist, and nothing has made a great enough impact.

We are now attempting "tough love". I have kicked him out of our home, cut him off financia lly and have told him that he needs to get his life together. I just cannot find the strength to not answer the phone when he calls. I need to know that he's ok, safe, alive I know that if things don't get very uncomfortable for him, he will die.

Can you share how you've found the strength to cut all ties with your addicts? And if anyone has had an experience with a spouse being a heroin addict, could you share with me how you've learned to trust them again, or if that's even possible.

I'm lost, confused and frightened. Every day I wake up and hope that this is really not my life. But, I know that it is and am having a hard time accepting it.

Thanks and God Bless,

Elsa

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From: Abbegirl

Date: Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:58:52 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I just wanted to post a brief introduction and a very sincere thank you for sharing your story My name is Mary and I abused prescription pain pills for about four years before beginning treatment in a methadone clinic. I couldn't have stayed clean for the past almost 90 days now without methadone. I'm a married mother of a five year old and my husband does not believe addiction is a "disease". Your line in the Dateline story about not worrying about your son inheriting the addictive genes really helped him understand what I've been telling him this whole time. My addiction esculated out of control when my husband was overseas in Iraq and I had to a lot of responsibilities that I didn't feel that I could keep up with. I think you are beyond brave in sharing your story and I'm very thankful that you did. It was great that my husband sat down and watched it with me, it really helped him understand and I'm sure it has helped many

God bless

Mary

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From: polly1283

Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 14:03:46 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

"Saving Carrick" led me to your website, Thom, and I have been amazed at the stories and comments from so many others. Our son started Oxycontin during his second semester in college. From there he progressed to heroin and it has been a long 2 1/2 years of learning the many intricacies of the drug world, a place we never wanted to know about. Knowledge brought fear, pain, sorrow and the intense desire to "fix" it for our son. At 22, he has finally become entangled with the law, spent two months in a county jail and learned the value of "freedom". He is presently in his 5th rehab, will go on to a sober living environment and try, once again, to build a life. For the first time, we are seeing some growth and new changes in his life. We are, again, hopeful...but guarded. We have finally learned how to let go without giving up on him. Like many of your writers, we have envisioned his demise and feel so utterly helpless and alone in our grief. We did not know how to reac h others in our situation. We so desperately wanted to talk to someone, anyone about our pain, but found Alanon to be lacking (for us). So it has been so good for us to read the responses on this site. So many experiences like ours, so many others know the grief. I wonder if you know how important your sharing of Carrick has been to so many of us? Thank you for this site and for all of your sharing.

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From: tami

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 11:30:05 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Here I am today, and this is my story. I am 45 years old and have been in recovery from alcohol(my drug of choice)since May 15th 1999. I started drinking and smoking pot at 16. I raised three children through a broken marriage,two totally disfunctional live ins,many nights of parties and mostly blackouts. Not to mention the police records. And being on probation wasn't enough to stop the desire to get drunk and drive. It took the long arm of God to reached down and place me in a jail cell long enough to start over. After a jailed 9 months waiting for a court date,(time did me, because I did not have control anymore, anger,bitterness,self-pity, just outright hate) I was sentenced to a 9 month stay in a Texas Substance Abuse Treatment Facility.(To where I did the time, looking for a new way to live with hope,faith and love)then to be released to a Half-Way house for three months and then 6 to 9 months of aftercare. Which consisted of 4 to 6 meetings of various sorts a week. My children then ages 13 to 16 ( a crucial time for teens) were relocated to their father who was as disfunctional as I was. It looks like the children don't have a chance of normalcy, doesn't it? But wait,when I got back to my home after 18 months of confinement, I was indeed the only one who had changed. They did not have an idea of who or how I was. We all had to get to know each other again. My children, well they still have lots of learning and living to do. But now, they have a choice. I can only testify that by example(my life today)was the only way they would be able to see The Choice. I wish that I could say that this story has a happy ending but folks, it doesn't. I followed my heart and began college to get a license in drug and alcohol counseling in Jan. 2004. I was about to do finals when on April 22 2004 my oldest son, now 21, was killed in an alcohol related accident. He was the passenger and one of his dearest friends, his killer. More than IRONIC My young est son 17,at the time of this tragedy was just entering into the same treatment center I had experienced just three year earlier. My youngest sons drug of choice, crack/Meth. He has been out of the half way house since Feb.2005 and will now spend his 19th B-Day locked up again. My second child, a daughter now 21, does not have any addictions. She is a single mother, works as an asst manager, lives in her own apartment, pays her own bills, drives her own car and attends church when she can. I can only say that as a counselor(someday) I have the life experience to help someone else. The best we can do is SPEAK UP about the effects of drugs and alcohol as we know it. I never used heroin,oxicoton,never was a huffer and never tried some of the "get highs" kids use today. "My day"(the kinds of drugs and such)is long gone but the effects of abuse on lives remains the same. Today I have turned anger and bitterness into determination and purpose.

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From: Lexy

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 20:17:29 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I was addicted to pain pills and ativan for 25 years... I went to rehab and got completely off them, but when I went home, I felt terrible... dizzy, odd, mixed up... I stayed off of them, but didnt feel like "myself" or "normal"... soooooooo I went to a doctor and got back on them... after 3 years..

I felt GREAT....

this went on for 6 more years, THEN the doctor I was going to for the Rx's, announced he was addicted to pain medication and was closing his practice to go to Rehab...JUST LIKE THAT, I had no more "pills"....panic is a mild word for what I felt.....but I was already getting so sick, going into withdrawal, that I couldnt do anything about it...My husband had had enough of it, and completely ignored me... but this was the best thing that could have happened to me.....

it took me 16 days, before I could close my eyes... I shook, vomited, fainted, oh all kinds of terrible awful horrible things, until the third week, and then I finally fell asleep for the FIRST TIME...

to make this long story short, I stayed at home for 2 years, basically, completely getting off all these drugs..and getting them out of my system.....

its now 5 years later, and I havent even been to a doctor since the day my doctor left... we moved from that city, and are in a new one, and I tend my garden, play with my pets , read, etc etc....and feel better, and happier than I ever have...I do take Aleve for aches and pains, otherwise I dont take anything.. AT ALL.. There might be a gazillon things wrong with me, but I dont know it and am doing fine, NOT knowing it....I know its probably wrong, but I do not ever want to be tempted again by a doctor offering me pills....so I dont go to ANY...all I can say is, so far, so good ...

I dont drink, never did....my journey started with those first pills prescribed to me after neck surgery... at 24 years old...

thank god I have these years to enjoy life , REAL LIFE...

Lexy :smile:

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From: CarlaS

Date: Mon, 8 Aug 2005 11:05:44 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

My childhood was riddled with alcohol, emotional, and physical abuse. I was raised by a single parent that was consumed by her own selfish addictions, so much she couldn't focus enough to give attention to her child. Today, I understand her more than ever, and in my heart she is forgiven. Within those walls of what was called home, my hopelessness began at a very tender age.

My troubles with life began very early. I can honestly say I was using drugs/alcohol as early as the 6th grade. In my mind, either nobody noticed, or nobody cared. I became pregnant at 15, and I kept my daughter. She was what would initially begin to give me hope, yet tear me and my mother apart. I think I became what my mother feared most for herself. At some point she quit drinking, but never dealt with her other issues, and for the most part still lives in denial, under a cloud of her own percieved false reality.

I'll make a long story short, as I couldn't even begin to tell a ll the horrors of my life. At 26, I had another child. I was already lost in my own addictions of alcohol, crack cocaine, or whatever else would numb me. When my son was a year old, child protection services stepped in, and my children were placed in temporary foster care with family. I was alone, lived on the streets, and was totally consumed with one thing and one thing only...using.

I can't pinpoint any one thing that finally made me make the choice to turn my back on my addictions, and trust enough to make the needed changes. I worked out a long term care plan, and followed through. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't fast. I found myself, came to terms with my issues, learned better ways to live, and live has grown well beyond what I could have ever possibly imagined.

My daughter, now 20, is happily married and started a family of her own. She is well equipped, but not immune to what addictions can do to oneself, and those your own life touches. My s on, now 9, may be my toughest conquest yet. I talk to him constantly about what life was like then, in comparison to what is now. How those choices I made in the past, still have bearing on our lives this far down the road. He suffers from AD/HD, and has other issues to deal with. I can only hope that genetically he doesn't go the route I went. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what I have, yet I embrace it all because it is what has made me the strong person I am today.

I'll end with saying that all the love in the world cannot save someone from themselves. One can only help those that are willing to help themselves. It's tough on parents to see through the lies, and chaos that addiction brings, but remember no matter how hard it gets, in your childrens hearts there is a desire to stop the madness however clouded by addiction it may seem. But, they themselves have to be willing to come to terms with it all, and want to make the needed changes.

Blessings to everyone that has to go through this process thems elves, or with the ones they love. Thanks to Forbes' for having the strength to put the spotlight on these life trials, that others just want to sweep under the rug.

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From: MaryW

Date: Mon, 8 Aug 2005 18:47:56 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I have a 19 year son who is determined to kill himself with alcohol. There is a long history of alcoholism between both mine and my husband's family.

I believe this all started, but I am certainly not putting all blame on, when Danny was on the Pee Wee football team. I have two sons close in age and was running back and forth to 2 different games. My husband was traveling quite often this summer. The assistant coach for Danny?s team confronted me when he noticed me arranging drop offs and pick ups he volunteered to help out with picking Danny up and dropping him off as he was going to the games as well. I was so thankful to have this help. Until one evening at the end of the season, Danny called me and asked if he could sleep over this man?s house, the assistant coach, at first I said no. When I mentioned this to my husband he put a stop to it all. Danny was 10 years old. Later on, Danny would inform us that this guy would give him pot if he would make cert ain catches during the game. After the PEE WEE football season, this Assistant Coach would supply my son with the ?very best weed? so he could share it with his friends.

When my son Danny was a sophomore at high school, my husband got a call from a police officer at Danny?s High School. The Officer befriended Danny. I would like to commend this officer because when he saw a young teenager starting to spin out of control, he took the time to talk to this kid. He tried to steer him in the right direction. The Officer witnessed a lot more than we, his parents, did at this time. The Officer took it upon himself to call my husband at work to inform him that he was very concerned with Danny?s drug use. He told my husband that of all the students, he believed that our son was the worst drug user in this school. My husband and I decided to take him to an inpatient facility, Clearbrook, Pennslyvania, for a 30 day inpatient facility.

After release from his inp atient stay, he was encouraged to attend 30 AA meetings in 30 days. M y husband and I took turns driving him back and forth to the teen meetings within our area. At some point a 29 year old man approached my son, during a meeting. . My son is very good looking boy, to the point of almost pretty. This 29 year old man who attended young teen meetings was nothing but a predator. He would scan the room looking for boys who he thought really didnt want to be there, but their parents made them. He befriended my son. Both my husband and I have lived with recovered alcoholic parents and thought it nothing unusual for his sponsor to constantly call and pick him up. At this time we thought it would be wrong to insist on going out to the car to meet with him. Having full knowledge of the importance of anomynity within the AA group. My son at this time was 16 years old. This person, lived in a ?sober house? which is a residential house where the residents are recovering alcoholics and must continue to be sober to receive financial assistance for rent and utilities.

A few weeks after Danny met Nate, he started staying out to 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 am on weekday nights. When we questioned him, he claimed to be playing cards all night with sober people from AA. Danny, a Junior in high school could not get up in the morning, no matter how hard we tried. We would continuosly try to get him out of bed but it was impossible to wake him at all. Eventually a warrant was put out on Danny for truancy.

Nate, had introduced my son to meth ampethimines, crack cocaine, ectasy, and male prostitution. Nate took my son, who was 16 years old, across state line to Maryland and introduced to a 40 something year old man and who offered Danny 400 dollars to allow another 40 man in to preform oral sex on him.

One day after Danny was up all night on meth ampethamine he decided to go to school. As soon as Danny got there, the Officer handcuffed him, called me, and asked me to meet him at the Juvenile Court Facili ty. In my mind Danny was still my child and no one could take care of him like I could. Once reaching the Juvenile Court facility, the probation officer pulled me into an office and explained that she would like to have Danny detained in the Less Secure Facility until his next court date. In my mind Danny was still my child and no one could take care of him like I could. I told the probation officer that I thought this was an extreme measure to be taken against a child who has been arrested for truancy. At this time, the Officer asked me to take a walk to his patrol car. As I explained earlier, Danny liked and trusted this Officer. On the drive down to the courthouse that morning, Danny was very high on crystal meth and was talking a whole lot. THe Police Officer asked him a lot of questions, and Danny, was not aware that everything said in a patrol car was recorded.

This was the day I heard my son, at 16 years of age, tell this police officer about all the different drugs he takes and how he makes hundreds of dollars throug h this man, who pimps him off to older men who want to have sex with young boys. I totally collapsed.

I went back into the courthouse and when the probation officer recommended incarceration at the Less Secure Facility, I had nothing to say. He was brought to the Less Secure Facility. The Officer asked me if my husband and myself I would meet him that evening at the high school to discuss the tape. Afer what I had told my husband, he chose not to listen to any of it. The Officer assured us the tape would be kept in a safe. This Police Officer then asked for Danny?s cell phone so he can get the phone numbers that were on it. We gladly gave it to him. After discussing the situation with the officer regarding pressing charges against these men, the Officer suggested our priority should be to take care of our son. My husband and I agreed.

1 week later, Danny took off from the Less Secure Facility and went to one of the residential homes in the area, at 10 pm at night. He explained he had gotten lost while playing tag wit h his friends and asked to use their phone to call a cab. They allowed my son in their home. This also astounded me.

Danny took that cab to Maryland, to "the man's" house. He did not have any money so when the cab got near the neighborhood, Danny dove out of the speeding car. He then went on to the house. For two days my husband and I were sick with worry wondering where he could have gone. Finally my husband contacted Nate and told him we need to know where this man?s house is. Nate went with my husband to Maryland and brought him to the house. The man told my husband he had not seen Danny. When my husband returned to the car and told Nate that Danny wasn?t there, Nate told my husband to ask the guy if he could look around in his house. My husband returned to the home, asked and the man voluntarilly let my husband check around the house. In the last closet of the house, my husband looked, and there stood my 16 year old son, hiding in this man?s closest wi th horrific cuts and scrapes on his face, arms and legs, from jumping out of a speeding vehicle.

When Danny returned home he was put in the Juvenile Detention Center.

After court, he was released.

A policmen called me at 10pm on a Saturday night to tell me that my son was jumped in a bad area in Washington DC. When I reached the hospital, Danny was lying motionless on a stretcher with his face beat in.

We brought Danny to NYC to live with relatives to try and start a new life. Danny had a hard time finding employment. He was still drinking. We got word from his cousins that Danny was traveling by Greyhound bus to Maryland to get drugs from this man and then go back to NY to sell them. My husband and his three brothers tracked my son down in NY and brought him to the Silver Spring Hospital in Connecticut. This was a locked down detoxification facility. Once released, my husband took him

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From: MaryW

Date: Mon, 8 Aug 2005 18:49:10 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I have a 19 year son who is determined to kill himself with alcohol. There is a long history of alcoholism between both mine and my husband's family.

When Danny returned home he was put in the Juvenile Detention Center.

After court, he was released.

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From: NikkiBowersox

Date: Tue, 9 Aug 2005 21:34:37 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Well, my story isn't a great one, but here it goes. First I am going to start off by saying that this is a very difficult thing for me to discuss. But I know that in doing so, it not only helps me, but it may just help others as well.

When I was 15 years old, I became addicted to pills. It didn't matter what kind they were, or who I recieved them from, I wanted them. I started smoking pot at the age of 15. That is what started it all for me. My downward spiral of fix after fix, and it still seemed like I was never satisfied.

I started smoking pot because I wanted to feel good. At the time I had been going through alot of emotional things, childish things, but at the time, I thought they were major to me. My main thing for smoking was that I wanted to get my head cleared for my schoolwork. And for a while my grades were wonderful. Then I started smoking before, during, and after school. I became consumed by it. And then after all the pot I smoked you would think that would have been enough for me, but it wasn't. I dated a guy before my 16th birthday who was a "pill popper", but I didn't know untill it was too late. His constant verbal abuse and threats to me scared me enough to want to do something to ignore him or just feel numb. I was young and didn't know that I had the power to leave him if I wanted to. That's what led up to the day that he forced me to take pills for the first time. That was also the day that he hit me for the first, and last time. I was petrified. I couldn't tell my parents , because I knew that they would do something bad to him, and I thought, at the time, that I could handle it. Every time we were together after that, he fed me pills. Half the time I never knew what I was taking, all I knew was that I didn't want to make him mad at me, so I took them. That is where the addiction to pills started for me. After that I used the excuse of "I want to do good in school, and this stuff seems to be helping me". And I continued to use, without my parents knowing. All they knew was that my moods were better, and that I had broken things off with my boyfriend.

Now I wish that I could say that I had gotten better by that time, and stopped smoking pot and taking pills, but I didn't. I only got worse. I started dating a guy a little over a year later, that not only would I get pot from, but that I would get pills from, for FREE. That was always the magic word for me, FREE. I did love him, however. We had a connection before we dated, and it had absolutely nothing to do with drugs. It was his music and his love for me that kept me going alot of the time, and his constant, neverending friendship to me. Then he became my enabler. It got worse from there.

At the begining of my Junior year of high school, I was in so deep that I became an insomniac when I didn't have anything to take. I had mentioned to my mom a few times that I needed help and treatment for my constant mood swings and horrable behavior, but she failed to listen. Then, and I still feel horrid for this, I stole a ring off of a neighbor girl. I'll never forget the day that I was caught. October 4th, 2000. My mother cofronted me about the ring, and I freaked out. I locked myself in the bathroom, and the only thing that ran through my mind was " maybe I could finally get her to listen to me, this is my chance to get help" because I knew that I needed the help, and that I couldn't do it alone. I then looked over at the bathtub, and looked at the disposable lady bic razor sitting there, all dull and cruddy, and closed my eyes and ran it across my wrist four or five times, just enough to break the skin, so I would bleed out and my mother could really see that I needed help. I didn't want to die, and I knew that I only cut the surface of my skin, I just wanted help. I was then rushed to Woodridge (a mental facility that was the only place that had a rehabilitation center in Eastern Tennessee) and bandaged up. I was so doped up on Loratab and pot that all I could do was sob uncontrollably and admit my problems. I will never forget what my mom went through that day.

I stayed there and went by the rules and got cleaned up. I stayed for almost a week and a half. The center said I was well enough to go to a rehabilitational school instead of going back to regular high school. Which was fine with me, because that is where I had free access to the drugs to begin with. I stayed there untill the day of my 17th birthday, so I was there for about 3 months.

I felt good about myself. More than good, I felt alive again. I was learning how to control myself and started taking medication for being Bi-Polar. I went back to school and got on with my life. Everyone that did drugs, including my boyfriend at the time, missed me and welcomed me back with open arms, and supported my decsision of sobriety.

Since then, I have moved out of state. I turned 21, and I now live in Pennsylvania. I am working on getting my high school deploma through corrispondance courses through the mail and internet. And the greatest achievements in my life, being a wife, and then a year and a half later, becoming a mother to a beautiful baby boy. I also weened myself off of the medication that was prescribed to me for my disorder, and have since then trained myself to calm down and think things through and to control my moods. I have been sober for five years as of october 5th of this year.

This is my life now. RECOVERY. I love myself now more than I ever have before and I have a wonderful loving, patient husband that helps me with anything, and a son that is my little angel. I hope that this story, my story, can help someone somehow. If anyone would like to discuss anything with me about this, I will be more than willing to chat. Thank you for taking time to read this.

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From: pushycat

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 2005 10:10:29 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

just so we all know, treatment facilities have a margin or about 30% recovery rate, 70% relapse again...

in heroin addicts is a much higher relapse rate...the reason is due the the fact that we send our children to rehab but dont teach them to live with out the drug, the routine of drug use is more addicting than the drug,,,the routine of get money get drugs do drugs get more money get more drugs(getting drugs means walking to the meeting place, waiting for the man, if he shows, could take two hours) its a vicious circle and we spend so much time doing this that we end up having no time for anything else, including family, friends, books, nothing...so we need to find a way to teach people how to live a life without the routine, or we will be right back to square one. that is why the relapse rate is so high, sending a prisoner out into the world with $40 bucks and a bus ticket doesnt teach him to live with freedom

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From: Jo

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 2005 15:07:23 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I was unable to watch the show about your lovely daughter as I was dealing with my daughter leaving that very same day.

Our problems began in January when one of her friends called us to let us know she had skipped school - she was 17 at the time - and was over at her house snorting something, drinking straight vodka, and she thought she may have overdosed. My husband and I rush over, take her to the emergency room, and all they would do is tell us she needs to go to a short-term facility until we can get her into a long-term facility.

We took her to the facility the hospital suggested, and she was there 10 days and let us know she was good to go. There was no need for a long-term facility.

She went back to school, and then about one month later one of her friends comes to our house to let us know she is smoking crystal meth. She finds out about this and runs away. A week later she assaulted five police officers and is, again, taken to the short-term rehab facility.

The only solutions the psychiatrist on staff there has was for us to pray because she was not wanting help and did not think she had a problem. I found a long-term facility, and she was transported there by a service (we were afraid she might jump out of the car or attack us if we took her) and admitted for treatment.

The first weeks there were tough, but we saw a "glimmer" of hope through several family counseling sessions. Her psychiatrist at the long-term facility told us she was ready to come home after 3 months there. In fact, he said there is NO way she is going to relapse. I asked about half-way houses, boarding schools for addicts, because I knew when that fateful day of July 24th came around, she would be 18.

Money was not an issue. Our insurance did not pay for inpatient drug rehab, but the decision was made to use her college fund because, after all, if she wasn't alive college wasn't an issue, right ? She was released on June 29th.

We were fortunate enough t o have a second home that I took her to immediately after she was released. I thought if I kept her away from her old environment for a period it would help. Of course, we had the contract between us where she would do this, that and the other.

I brought her home after the two weeks, and she seemed to be doing fine. We were getting registered for her senior year, getting her driver's license, etc. Her curfew was 12:00, and she was home exactly on time or even a little early. Life was good, right?

Last Friday I went up to her room and caught her shooting up. She started crying, said she just wanted to kill herself. I tried to take her to the ER, but she refused, saying she was 18 and I couldn't do anything.

Someone came to the house, and the next thing I know they are carrying two big trash bags out of the house. I locked the door on her. She said, Fine, I don't have my cell phone. You'll never hear from me again. I cracked the door op en and threw her cell phone out.

I am beside myself. I then get a call from my daughter telling me she has called the police so she can get the rest of "her stuff." I dialed 9-1-1 and let them know what was going on. I had the police come over to give her medication she is on - she's bipolar - and they were actually very sympathetic. By the way, we live in an affluent suburb of Dallas, Texas called Plano - it's been in the news because of the huge drug problems here.

My husband and I finally decided there is nothing else we can do unless she decides to get help for herself. My daughter is very social and has, apparently, two sets of friends - the users and non-users. The non-users have given me all kinds of suggestions - out-of-state rehab, trying to get her arrested - but at this point I think it's up to her.

Your story with Carrick helped me so much, and so did Carrick's statement at the end - there was nothing my parents could have done. It was something I had to do for myself. The guilt I feel is e normous, but I can't help her any more.

I worry daily about getting the dreaded phone call from the hospital that she has overdosed, in a coma. I just pray the call is from the police because at least then I know she is safe, to some extent.

Is there any way to stop this madness? And there has to be another solution other than rehab because I'm not seeing that it works. Can you believe one place in Arizona wants almost $40,000 a month. I run a very successful business and my husband is an attorney, and we cannot for the life of us figure out a way to help our own daughter.

I am attaching a picture of the syringe I caught her with. Apparently, per the drug lab, it was a mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy.

I guess the only solution is tough love. But man, does it hurt.............

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From: "Carrick Forbes"

Date: Wed, 10 Aug 2005 15:28:20 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I am blessed and grateful to have the mind and health I have, I resent it when people imply that children of addicts would be better off having never been born. Each and every single one of us has faults. Wouldn't it seem ridiculous if someone suggested that an over eater should not have children in case of passing a "fat gene" I am endlessly grateful for my parents, I feel like I won the family lottery. Their trials have made them stronger, compassionate and, I think, better people and parents, for it. :pbpt:

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From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 04:39:18 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Jo,

Of all the stories I've read on these pages, yours touched me the most. The "drama" is unbearable. This is a process - both for the child and for the family. It, unfortunately, cannot be rushed. I remember being told at Family Education weekend, when our son was in rehab for 90 days, that we were not to think that he would be at Step 12 in the program when he was released - but maybe he'd be at Step 1. You watch them get back to "normal" in the rehab environment, gain a little weight, start acting like themselves, and then - boom - a matter of weeks after their release, they're back at it again. We were able to find an AlAnon group that consisted of many parents of young adult addicts/alcoholics. We were all in the same boat, and the stories were horrendous. I went to that group for 6 mos., took out of it what I could, and that began my "process." This thing takes TIME. I know that you've been in hell for 7 mos., and it feels like 7 years, and you're feeling like this is the way it will be, and there is no hope. We've been in it for 4 years this time, and when my friends tell me not to give up hope, I tell them Hope Hurts Too Much. Hope comes each time you see that "glimmer." Hope is yanked away each time they relapse. I finally stopped "hoping," and just lived what AA says - one day at a time, taking whatever came, as it happened. I didn't have that perspective in the first year. It's very difficult to begin to understand that each time they are clean is only a step in the right direction. We want SO badly for the madness to stop. Everyone around you - friends, acquaintances, family members - have an idea about what you should do/shouldn't do. They mean well, but they don't understand hell on earth, and that's what you're going through. I will give you this hop e - you will learn your heart in this, and you will listen to it. If there were easy answers to your daughter's problems, someone would write a book and make a gazillion dollars. No one knows the answers. The psychiatrist who assured you she would never relapse again just simply didn't know what he was talking about. It was a sentence coming from his mouth. It was what you hung your hope on - big difference. That won't be the last wrong piece of "information" you get, but as you grow through this, you will know in your heart what sounds right and reject those things that just plain don't sound applicable to your situation. I can only share our story and our experiences. Our boundary for our adult son was he could live in our home as long as he wasn't using. When he would have to leave, we just reiterated that he could always come home when he was clean (sometimes we said it like that - sometimes we screamed it). I believe in my heart that they must feel a connection to us and be able to have that connection open. He has come home and left many times. I'm a nurturer, and as I say to my friends who tell me I'm crazy for caring about someone who has done such horrible things to us, that's who I am. I feed him, try to give him little bites of responsibility, listen at length, and throw him out again, if the drugs start. I will tell you this - he's been on the drug Suboxone for 4 mos. and a miracle has occurred within our family Regarding in-patient rehab: the best advice we ever got (and we got it from the rehab facility, the psychiatrist he sees, and the Mayo Clinic) was that he did NOT need anymore in-patient rehab. He learned what he had to during his 90 days, but he needed to start LIVING it. It's probably why 2 weeks away at your second home didn't work, although your instinct was excellent to try it. Two weeks is a drop in the hat with this process. Drugs bring out the worst qualities ALL human beings possess. If you can see your daughter as someone who is so dependent (upon you, upon her drug buddies, upon the drugs), it might open up your heart and mind. They don't "grow up" in 90 days or 7 months. We, as parents, just pray they will live to grow up. I know so well your feelings of just wanting to know that she's safe. It's amazing, isn't it? All of our hopes and dreams for our children, and it all boils down to - I want them to be alive. I felt that even if our son went to jail, at least I'd know he was being offered food and was alive. No matter what our financial means, emotionally we're all the same. Love is love is love, and pain is pain is pain. I so empathize with your love and your pain. Do something nice for yourself.

Mary

Jo wrote:

> I was unable to watch the show about your lovely daughter as I was dealing with my daughter leaving that very same day.

> Our problems began in January when one of her friends called us to let us know she had skipped school - she was 17 at the time - and was over at her house snorting something, drinking straight vodka, and she thought she may have overdosed. My husband and I rush over, take her to the emergency room, and all they would do is tell us she needs to go to a short-term facility until we can get her into a long-term facility.

> We took her to the facility the hospital suggested, and she was there 10 days and let us know she was good to go. There was no need for a long-term facility.

> She went back to school, and then about one month later one of her friends comes to our house to let us know she is smoking crystal meth. She finds out about this and runs away. A week later she assaulted five police officers and is, again, taken to the short-term rehab facility.

> The only solutions the psychiatrist on staff there has was for us to pray because she was not wanting help and did not think she had a problem. I found a long-term facility, and she was transported there by a service (we were afraid she might jump out of the car or attack us if we took her) and admitted for treatment.

> The first weeks there were tough, but we saw a "glimmer" of hope through several family counseling sessions. Her psychiatrist at the long-term facility told us she was ready to come home after 3 months there. In fact, he said there is NO way she is going to relapse. I asked about half-way houses, boarding schools for addicts, because I knew when that fateful day of July 24th came around, she would be 18.

> Money was not an issue. Our insurance did not pay for inpatient drug rehab, but the decision was made to use her college fund beca use, after all, if she wasn't alive college wasn't an issue, right? She was released on June 29th.

> We were fortunate enough to have a second home that I took her to immediately after she was released. I thought if I kept her away from her old environment for a period it would help. Of course, we had the contract between us where she would do this, that and the other.

> I brought her home after the two weeks, and she seemed to be doing fine. We were getting registered for her senior year, getting her driver's license, etc. Her curfew was 12:00, and she was home exactly on time or even a little early. Life was good, right?

> Last Friday I went up to her room and caught her shooting up. She started crying, said she just wanted to kill herself. I tried to take her to the ER, but she refused, saying she was 18 and I couldn't do anything.

> Someone came to the house, and the next thing I know they are carrying two big trash bags out of the house. I locked the doo r on her. She said, Fine, I don't have my cell phone. You'll never hear from me again. I cracked the door open and threw her cell phone out.

> I am beside myself. I then get a call from my daughter telling me she has called the police so she can get the rest of "her stuff." I dialed 9-1-1 and let them know what was going on. I had the police come over to give her medication she is on - she's bipolar - and they were actually very sympathetic. By the way, we live in an affluent suburb of Dallas, Texas called Plano - it's been in the news because of the huge drug problems here.

> My husband and I finally decided there is nothing else we can do unless she decides to get help for herself. My daughter is very social and has, apparently, two sets of friends - the users and non-users. The non-users have given me all kinds of suggestions - out-of-state rehab, trying to get her arrested - but at this point I think it's up to her.

> Your story with Carrick helped me so much, and so did Carrick's statement at the end - there was nothing my parents could have done. It was something I had to do for myself. The guilt I feel is enormous, but I can't help her any more.

> I worry daily about getting the dreaded phone call from the hospital that she has overdosed, in a coma. I just pray the call is from the police because at least then I know she is safe, to some extent.

> Is there any way to stop this madness? And there has to be another solution other than rehab because I'm not seeing that it works. Can you believe one place in Arizona wants almost $40,000 a month. I run a very successful business and my husband is an attorney, and we cannot for the life of us figure out a way to help our own daughter.

> I am attaching a picture of the syringe I caught her with. Apparently, per the drug lab, it was a mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy.

> I guess the only solution is tough love. But man, does it hurt.............

> --------------------------------------------------

From: Jo

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 12:58:37 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Mary,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, wisdom, advice and story.

There are several things in your post that everyone needs to listen to - there is no immediate fix, take it one day at a time, and long-term rehab is not the solution. I am amazed a professional finally admitted that to you.

I guess to make myself feel better I have called her non-user friends and given them information for out-patient treatment facilities if she calls them for help. Hey, it's the only positive thing I can think of to do in what, otherwise, is a "living hell" situation, as you put it.

No one has any answers, and here's the conclusion I've come to: Every person's brain is different, so how can there be a cure that works for everyone? Maybe it's NA, short-term rehab, long-term rehab, jail. Maybe they will never recover and are enjoying their time being high while it lasts.

All addicts know it can't last - they either quit using or die. I t's kind of hard to get my hands around that one. If someone walked up to me right now and said, If you drink your coffee this morning, you will die. Well, I "really" want my Starbuck's, but I would have to just say no. Then again, what would one more hurt. After all, it's only coffee.

In trying to put myself in my daughter's shoes, that's what I do. I know crystal meth is deadlier than coffee, but not in her mind.

So is there a solution? Not one we want to hear. As a parent, you are going to suffer, drama will become a constant in your life, and your son or daughter may or may not recover. That's it in a nutshell.

We have to go on and do the best we can with the cards life has dealt us. My brother, who is an engineer, made a comment to me. He said his mind works like an engineer's mind - there is a problem; therefore, there is a solution. Although in engineering there is always the "indefinete solution," which basically means the solution is there is no solution.

I think that's where we are at right now. Sometimes the solution is to not find one and do the best you can, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second......

----------

From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 17:11:38 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Jo,

You are so very welcome. I feel like you are in your darkest hours and days, and I guess I just wanted to speak from my heart, anything that would help you get through the next moment. I love that you did something - called her non-using friends and gave them information. It's what we do, isn't it? We just have to feel like we're working on that "indefinite solution." Of course it made you feel better - if even for a moment, and who knows - it might even make your daughter feel better When I first came on this webpage, I was struck by the people who said they'd written their child's eulogy. Here I thought I was the only one. When we can accept, intellectually, that we just might lose this child, I feel it's a step in the right direction. There is no way we could ever accept it emotionally, but it's a little bit of reality seeping into our hearts. That "reality" took me 3 1/2 years Our son was using cocaine, so there was always the threat of something happening to his heart, but it didn't seem as immediately threatening as crystal meth or something administered with a needle (ah, the mind's a beautiful thing when it's in denial).

You and your family are in our thoughts, Jo. It doesn't help a whole lot to know that others have been there, done that, but you are not alone in this struggle. You are doing the very best you can with it.

Mary

> Mary,

> Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, wisdom, advice and story.

> There are several things in your post that everyone needs to listen to - there is no immediate fix, take it one day at a time, and long-term rehab is not the solution. I am amazed a professional finally admitted that to you.

> I guess to make myself feel better I have called her non-user friends and given them information for out-patient treatment facilities if she calls them for help. Hey, it's the only positive thing I can think of to do in what, otherwise, is a "living hell" situation, as you put it.

> No one has any answers, and here's the conclusion I've come to: Every person's brain is different, so how can there be a cure that works for everyone? Maybe it's NA, short-term rehab, long-term rehab, jail. Maybe they will never recover and are enjoying their time being high while it lasts.

> All addicts know it can't last - they either quit using or die. It's kind of hard to get my hands around that one. If someone walked up to me right now and said, If you drink your coffee this morning, you will die. Well, I "really" want my Starbuck's, but I would have to just say no. Then again, what would one more hurt. After all, it's only coffee.

> In trying to put myself in my daughter's shoes, that's what I do. I know crystal meth is deadlier than coffee, but not in her mind.

> So is there a solution? Not one we want to hear. As a parent, you are going to suffer, drama will become a constant in your life, and your son or daughter may or may not recover. That's it in a nutshell.

> We have to go on and do the best we can with the cards life has dealt us. My brother, who is an engineer, made a comment to me. He said his mind works like an engineer's mind - there is a problem; therefore, there is a solution. Although in engineering there is alw ays the "indefinete solution," which basically means the solution is there is no solution.

> I think that's where we are at right now. Sometimes the solution is to not find one and do the best you can, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second......

> --------------------------------------------------

> From: Linnea

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 17:21:50 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

THe weariness and perplexity is consuming when your child is a heroin addict. And if you have lived your life in an arena where 1+1 is always reliable for equaling 2 or the "if this, then that" equation is a standard way of successfully addressing and resolving problems, the irrational dynamics of addiction are even more difficult to get your mind around. In an effort to try to simultaneously help my daughter and take care of myself, I often equated it to trying to play offense and defense at the same time. No coach in the world would expect the quarterback to run out and catch the pass s/he just threw, for crying out loud. Both the hardest and most freeing moment for me was when I accepted the limits of my capacities as a parent/human and accepted the fact that my daughter might die and there was not a damn thing in the world I could do about it. And believe me, I'd spent many exhaustive years trying to plug every hole in the dike. That's not to say I abandoned my daughte r. I always made it clear I was there for her when she decided to change direction. There was no great bitterness that came with my realization and it didn't evolve into indifference or the need to disown my child. But her presence in my world had to exist on my terms. For whatever reason, I simply decided that I wanted to be available and strong for when she decided to live. Or strong enough to bear with the pain if she decided to die. Tough Love is certainly a valid position to take, but it's still an investment in trying to get the addict to "see". Letting go is more about investing in yourself and the nature of the world you choose to live in and the future you choose for yourself. Yes, it is sad and painful and empty if your child does not join you there, but there's nothing you can do about that. I designated specific times for crying and bitching and kicking a thing or two which worked well for me. To totally disregard the compelling need to let it rip was unhealthy and denied most of how I was feeling. But to let it consume my existe nce was unhealthy, as well.That;s not to say I wouldn't sometimes fall apart in the freezer aisle at the grocery store because it would sneak up on me without warning now and again. But mostly I tried to give it the attention it deserved, on my terms. My daughter has been on methadone for four years and doing well, but I still cringe a bit when I hear a certain tone of voice or she doesn't call when she says she will. The engraved fears will probably always be there, I suppose. At times like those I cheerlead myself about the importance of doing what I am doing for myself and try like hell to not react. It will never be a total cake-walk emotionally and sometimes I do better than others. But I am intent on the objective that if my daugher chooses to compromise her recovery, she will not take me with her down that road of emotional chaos. It was far too ugly for the time that it was and I was a willing participant. When she was using, I tried everything I could to inter cept, sabotage, redirect, fix, repair, coerce, shame, guilt and otherwise discourage her intent to destroy herself. But I couldn't save her from herself and that was the bottom line. But I could save me.

----------

From: Scott

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 17:50:31 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

The real victims are the one's suffering such as yourself,The fact is addicts just don't care as they just numb out and self centerness prevails above all else.

Above all you need to find help for "yourself" so that can live "your" life to the fullest and not fall into your daughters insanity, there is plenty of help out there for you from others that are and have been where you are right now, the only thing that you can really do for your daughter is pray and be there when the time is right for "her". I had plenty of people praying for me for a whole lot of years.

And now I pray for my sister, because she is exactly where your daughter is.

----------

From: MaryW

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 18:32:28 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I have a 19 year son who is determined to kill himself with alcohol. There is a long history of alcoholism between both mine and my husband's family.

After release from his inp atient stay, he was encouraged to attend 30 AA meetings in 30 days. M y husband and I took turns driving him back and forth to the teen meetings within our area. At some point a 29 year old man approached my son, during a meeting. . My son is very good looking boy, to the point of almost pretty. This 29 year old man who attended young teen meetings was nothing but a predator. He would scan the room looking for boys who he thought really didnt want to be there, but their parents made them. He befriended my son. Both my husband and I have lived with recovered alcoholic parents and thought it nothing unusual for his sponsor to constantly call and pick him up. At this time we thought it would be wrong to insist on going out to the car to meet with him. Having full knowledge of the importance of anomynity within the AA group. My son at this time was 16 years old. This person, Nate, lived in a ?sober house? which is a residential house where the residents are recovering alcoholics and must continue to be sober to receive financial assistan ce for rent and utilities.

One day after Danny was up all night on meth ampethamine he decided to go to school. As soon as Danny got there, the Officer handcuffed him, called me, and asked me to meet him at the Juvenile Court Facility. In my mind Danny was still my child and no one could take ca re of him like I could. Once reaching the Juvenile Court facility, the probation officer pulled me into an office and explained that she would like to have Danny detained in the Less Secure Facility until his next court date. In my mind Danny was still my child and no one could take care of him like I could. I told the probation officer that I thought this was an extreme measure to be taken against a child who has been arrested for truancy. At this time, the Officer asked me to take a walk to his patrol car. As I explained earlier, Danny liked and trusted this Officer. On the drive down to the courthouse that morning, Danny was very high on crystal meth and was talking a whole lot. THe Police Officer asked him a lot of questions, and Danny, was not aware that everything said in a patrol car was recorded.

This was the day I heard my son, at 16 years of age, tell this police officer about all the different drugs he takes and how he makes hundreds of dollars through this man, who pimps him off to older men who want to have sex with young boys. I totally collapsed.

----------

From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 18:46:16 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Excruciatingly well said, Linnea.

Linnea wrote:

> THe weariness and perplexity is consuming when your child is a heroin addict. And if you have lived your life in an arena where 1+1 is always reliable for equaling 2 or the "if this, then that" equation is a standard way of successfully addressing and resolving problems, the irrational dynamics of addiction are even more difficult to get your mind around. In an effort to try to simultaneously help my daughter and take care of myself, I often equated it to trying to play offense and defense at the same time. No coach in the world would expect the quarterback to run out and catch the pass s/he just threw, for crying out loud. Both the hardest and most freeing moment for me was when I accepted the limits of my capacities as a parent/human and accepted the fact that my daughter might die and there was not a damn thing in the world I could do about it. And believe me, I'd spent ma ny exhaustive years trying to plug every hole in the dike. That's not to say I abandoned my daughter. I always made it clear I was there for her when she decided to change direction. There was no great bitterness that came with my realization and it didn't evolve into indifference or the need to disown my child. But her presence in my world had to exist on my terms. For whatever reason, I simply decided that I wanted to be available and strong for when she decided to live. Or strong enough to bear with the pain if she decided to die. Tough Love is certainly a valid position to take, but it's still an investment in trying to get the addict to "see". Letting go is more about investing in yourself and the nature of the world you choose to live in and the future you choose for yourself. Yes, it is sad and painful and empty if your child does not join you there, but there's nothing you can do about that. I designated specific times for crying and bitching and kicking a thing or two which worked well for me. To totally disregard the compelling need to let it rip was unhealthy and denied most of how I was feeling. But to let it consume my existence was unhealthy, as well.That;s not to say I wouldn't sometimes fall apart in the freezer aisle at the grocery store because it would sneak up on me without warning now and again. But mostly I tried to give it the attention it deserved, on my terms. My daughter has been on methadone for four years and doing well, but I still cringe a bit when I hear a certain tone of voice or she doesn't call when she says she will. The engraved fears will probably always be there, I suppose. At times like those I cheerlead myself about the importance of doing what I am doing for myself and try like hell to not react. It will never be a total cake-walk emotionally and sometimes I do better than others. But I am intent on the objective that if my daugher chooses to compromise her recovery, she will not take me with her down that road of emotional chaos. It was far too ugly for the time that it was and I was a willing participant. When she was using, I tried everything I could to intercept, sabotage, redirect, fix, repair, coerce, shame, guilt and otherwise discourage her intent to destroy herself. But I couldn't save her from herself and that was the bottom line. But I could save me.

> --------------------------------------------------

From: "mary zeszut"

Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 20:23:02 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

linnea, i will also add....WELL SAID...iam trying so hard to get there..Amy's MOM

----------

From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 03:47:21 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Mary,

Don't give up on yourself. You will do this. Every time you think you won't - you will. Each time you say you can't - you will. Those times build on each other and you just get stronger. Only in hindsight can you see that process. You will achieve clarity, but it will take time. When we are in pain or see our loved ones in pain, we want the time to be short. We want to speed the process to fix it and get everyone out of their pain. Give yourself respite, Mary, any way you can get it, and don't stop talking.

Mary

mary zeszut wrote:

> linnea, i will also add....WELL SAID...iam trying so hard to get there..Amy's MOM

> --------------------------------------------------

From: Jo

Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 07:45:56 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Today is a new day. It's unusual, Mary, but you're right. Everyone needs to take baby steps and take care of yourself and the rest of your family. My daughter is an only child, but I still have the most understanding and caring husband in the world, a business I love (I'm an artist), and three beautiful cats (at least I know they won't OD on Fancy Feast :)

And since I've never been known to be a quitter, I will keep chipping away at that "indefinite solution" and hope for the best for my daughter.

My father died this year in the middle of all of this. He was a caring, funny and loving man. My daughter and my father were very, very close. I remember sitting next to him in the hospital bed after my daughter came to visit him. He looked at me and said, Sis, she sure is pretty, funny and full of life. Do you think you can control her? I looked at him and said, You know, Dad, I'm not sure.

I think that's where I'm at now. I can't control h er, but I can control my reaction to her actions. In the meantime, Life's a dance; you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead; sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know; life's a dance, you learn as you go.........

Here's something I'm working on called "Heaven," and a prom picture of my daughter last year. I pray to that beautiful sunset we both saw that even though she's not with me now, we're still under the same sky and that someone up there will watch over us.....

-------------

From: Roberta

Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 12:07:07 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Dear Jo, MaryW, and others:

My heart goes out to you from reading your stories. I too know what it's like to have an addicted child. My daughter is 20, and has be an IV heroin addict for 2 years. I have been through the traumas, rehabs, lies, and tries as well.

After a while, I thought I was starting to have symptoms of "post-traumatic stress syndrome". Out of nowhere, I would flash back to the times in the middle of the night when I would drive to slum areas and dope houses to get her, because she said she was in danger of rape or beatings from the men there. These are some areas that the police are hesitant to go into even in daylight. I would also flash back to the times I had to wrestle her to get the carkeys away, because she was so stoned she would have either killed herself or someone else if she drove. I also would re-live the panic of finding needles and caps on her, when I asked her to turn her pockets inside out. The ultimate was catching her in the act of shooting up, with a belt around her arm, spoons and matches littered around, and the aggression in her when interrupted from her fix.

I finally ended up getting her out of my house. She is living with her boyfriend now. It has been a great relief not to live day-to-day with the extreme stress and pressure. After I had some space from her, and time to think.. I decided I needed to deal with these stressful and unresolved horrors I had gone through. I sought help from a counselor and doctor to deal with the anxiety and fear.

I also started searching the net for information on co-dependency. By chance, I found a helpful site with online discussions about how to get over the trauma, and move on towards healing the damage done.

www.addictionrecoveryguide.org

Once on this site, go to "Message Board". There are forums grouped by drug of choice, with postings from addicts and families discussing a variety of topics and issues.

I found the forum "Families/Partners of Addicts" to be most helpful. A posting titled "Co-dependency Steps" was very good. Also, posters are working through the steps together online and it is helping me to see where I am at this point and where I need to go..in order to heal myself.

My best wishes and prayers to all others going through the struggles of having an addicted child. I guess I just got sick of re-hashing the horror stories in my head. I got sick of trading war stories with others in support groups. I decided I needed to work on myself...irregardless of what my daughter is doing to herself right now. She knows I care about her, and will help her if she really wants to change. In the meantime, I value myself enough to want to heal the damage, learn new ways of coping with this situation, and not fall into the trap of being obsessed about her heroin addiction. I feel a strong need to get my sanity back

Anyway, just thought I'd share a website that I found intersting and helpful.

----------

From: Lexy

Date: Sat, 13 Aug 2005 15:47:50 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

"Well, my story isn't a great one, but here it goes. First I am going to start off by saying that this is a very difficult thing for me to discuss. But I know that in doing so, it not only helps me, but it may just help others as well.

When I was 15 years old, I became addicted to pills. It"

Nikki I am so proud to know you....what a remarkable story and wonderful happy ending...

God bless you and your little family

Hugz

Lexy :smile:

----------

From: Hope619

Date: Sat, 13 Aug 2005 17:29:55 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Roberta,

Thank you so much for your post. Ditto on everything your daughter does (+ additional horrors ie. of prostitution, incarceration etc.), my daughter also did these things. Thank God she has been in recovery for a couple of years now, but I couldn't get my joy back. I still live like tomorrow the world will turn upside down again. I have started seeing a therapist as well and she likewise said I experience PTSD and anxiety. It made so much sense the minute the therapist mentioned it. So I will definitely check out the web site you recommended. Thank you again.

Roberta wrote:

> Dear Jo, MaryW, and others:

> My heart goes out to you from reading your stories. I too know what it's like to have an addicted child. My daughter is 20, and has be an IV heroin addict for 2 years. I have been through the traumas, rehabs, lies, and tries as well.

> After a while, I thought I was starting to have symptoms of "post-traumatic stress syndrome". Out of nowhere, I would flash back to the times in the middle of the night when I would drive to slum areas and dope houses to get her, because she said she was in danger of rape or beatings from the men there. These are some areas that the police are hesitant to go into even in daylight. I would also flash back to the times I had to wrestle her to get the carkeys away, because she was so stoned she would have either killed herself or someone else if she drove . I also would re-live the panic of finding needles and caps on her, when I asked her to turn her pockets inside out. The ultimate was catching her in the act of shooting up, with a belt around her arm, spoons and matches littered around, and the aggression in her when interrupted from her fix.

> I finally ended up getting her out of my house. She is living with her boyfriend now. It has been a great relief not to live day-to-day with the extreme stress and pressure. After I had some space from her, and time to think.. I decided I needed to deal with these stressful and unresolved horrors I had gone through. I sought help from a counselor and doctor to deal with the anxiety and fear.

> I also started searching the net for information on co-dependency. By chance, I found a helpful site with online discussions about how to get over the trauma, and move on towards healing the damage done.

> www.addictionrecoveryguide .org

> Once on this site, go to "Message Board". There are forums grouped by drug of choice, with postings from addicts and families discussing a variety of topics and issues.

> I found the forum "Families/Partners of Addicts" to be most helpful. A posting titled "Co-dependency Steps" was very good. Also, posters are working through the steps together online and it is helping me to see where I am at this point and where I need to go..in order to heal myself.

> My best wishes and prayers to all others going through the struggles of having an addicted child. I guess I just got sick of re-hashing the horror stories in my head. I got sick of trading war stories with others in support groups. I decided I needed to work on myself...irregardless of what my daughter is doing to herself right now. She knows I care about her, and will help her if she really wants to change. In the meantime, I value myself enough to want to he al the damage, learn new ways of coping with this situation, and not fall into the trap of being obsessed about her heroin addiction. I feel a strong need to get my sanity back

> Anyway, just thought I'd share a website that I found intersting and helpful.

----------

> From: "Sharon O'Shea"

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 2005 19:00:22 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Okay, everybody. Let's have some action here. I know there are a million stories to be told. You never know who you might save with what you say.

Tell me a story.

----------

From: ChelseaRI

Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 12:25:11 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I haven't posted here in a week or so and just wanted to say a few things. First off..thanks everyone for keeping this site alive. My life has its ups and downs, lately its been littered with a bit more chaos and depression then usual. When in the midst of not so great moments I tend to stay away from the very things that could help me out of the darkness. i isolate, shut off my phone, and sleep like i haven't caught a wink in months. i escape. Then I got an email from a regular poster here.. asking how i was, where was I?... That feeling of being missed, or having my absence noticed made me realize that maybe, just maybe i am likeable:) I came here, and I read your stories. I remembered that there are always problems greater then mine. Every sorrow is great to the bearer.

here i go rambling. I just wanted to remind people that one small act of kindness can go a long long way. when you don't feel like coming here and writing..good or bad.. remember that there could be someone who needs to read exactly what you have to say. It could change their day.. or their life...

Chelsea

----------

From: "Thom Forbes"

Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 13:01:47 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I was wondering how you were doing myself, Chelsea. I, too, missed your voice.

I hope you'll keep writing. Just think of it as a first draft of something you can polish later, when you're feeling better. And when you're feeling better, you may be surprised about how well you nailed it when you weren't feeling so well and felt that everything lacked luster.

-Thom

Thom Forbes

On Aug 22, 2005, at 3:25 PM, ChelseaRI wrote:

> I haven't posted here in a week or so and just wanted to say a few things. First off..thanks everyone for keeping this site alive. My life has its ups and downs, lately its been littered with a bit more chaos and depression then us ual. When in the midst of not so great moments I tend to stay away fro m the very things that could help me out of the darkness. i isolate, shut off my phone, and sleep like i haven't caught a wink in months. i escape. Then I got an email from a regular poster here.. asking how i was, where was I?... That feeling of being missed, or having my absence noticed made me realize that maybe, just maybe i am likeable:) I came here, and I read your stories. I remembered that there are always problems greater then mine. Every sorrow is great to the bearer.

> here i go rambling. I just wanted to remind people that one small act of kindness can go a long long way. when you don't feel like coming here and writing..good or bad.. remember that there could be someone who needs to read exactly what you have to say. It could change their day.. or their life...

> Chelsea

----------

From: "Sharon O'Shea"

Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 13:30:33 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

ChelseaRI:

Happy to hear from you. And you're right, of course, when you say that it's when we least feel like it that we have to do whatever it is we're avoiding. I'm guilty, guilty, guilty of the same thing. After 15 years of sobriety, I still need a kick in the ass to do the right thing for myself. And now that I'm disabled, and have the PERFECT all-purpose, all-occasion excuse, I have to be really honest with myself about why I am not doing something.

I'm just happy you're here, happy you're okay, happy you find something of comfort here, and happy that you can provide comfort to others -- like me.

You're very honest. That will come in very handy. For many years, I sat in meetings, feeling angry, unhappy, frustrated, whatever, and I wouldn't share it, because I was under the impression that I was supposed to stay in the positive. Consequently, I wasn't getting a lot out of meetings, because no one knew I needed help.

Take care. K eep writing. Remember what I said about judging your writing. Don't bother. Here, it's what you say, not how you say it, that matters.

From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 17:31:37 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Welcome back, Chelsea.

ChelseaRI wrote:

> I haven't posted here in a week or so and just wanted to say a few things. First off..thanks everyone for keeping this site alive. My life has its ups and downs, lately its been littered with a bit more chaos and depression then usual. When in the midst of not so great moments I tend to stay away from the very things that could help me out of the darkness. i isolate, shut off my phone, and sleep like i haven't caught a wink in months. i escape. Then I got an email from a regular poster here.. asking how i was, where was I?... That feeling of being missed, or having my absence noticed made me realize that maybe, just maybe i am likeable:) I came here, and I read your stories. I remembered that there are always problems greater then mine. Every sorrow is great to the bearer.

> Chelsea

> --------------------------------------------------

From: "Deirdre Drohan Forbes"

Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 19:57:59 -0700

To: "Sharon O'Shea"

Subject: Re: What's your story?

When I was at my darkest it was a depression group on line that kept me going. It’s rewarding to know that you’ve gained strength here. I’m also sure you’ve given strength to others.

Deirdre

on 8/22/05 3:25 PM, ChelseaRI at Discussions@elephantonmain.com wrote:

> I haven't posted here in a week or so and just wanted to say a few things. First off..thanks everyone for keeping this site alive. My life has its ups and downs, lately its been littered with a bit more chaos and depression then usual. When in the midst of not so great moments I tend to stay away from the very things that could help me out of the darkness. i isolate, shut off my phone, and sleep like i haven't caught a wink in months. i escape. Then I got an email from a regular poster here.. asking how i was, where was I?... That feeling of being missed, or having my absence noticed made me realize that maybe, just maybe i am likeable:) I came here, and I read your stories. I remembered that there are always problems greater then mine. Every sorrow is great to the bearer.

> Chelsea

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From: Linnea

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2005 04:09:47 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

to ChelseaRI:

When you isolate it makes it hard for those who love you to help. There is just so much we can insist on in terms of you sharing your feelings and difficulties as you're going through them. The most important thing we can do is remain open and safely available. One of the more challenging elements of that isolation is the apparent frenzy that takes place afterwards, the effort to "catch up" and get back into the swing of things once the sun comes out again. I know it's hard, but I think it's important to let others know when you feel the darkness coming so they can help you through it in whatever way they can. You know my mantra - Get It Before It Gets You. At the very least let others help you manage It along the way before It gets spinning out of control and everyone gets caught up in it. When we're caught up in it emotionally, the ability to help and be supportive gets diluted and compromised. I am here.

Love, Mom

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From: "Mary Kennedy"

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2005 04:19:11 -0700

To: discussions@elephantonmain.com

Subject: Re: What's your story?

As always - perfectly said, Linnea.

Linnea wrote:

> to ChelseaRI:

> When you isolate it makes it hard for those who love you to help. There is just so much we can insist on in terms of you sharing your feelings and difficulties as you're going through them. The most important thing we can do is remain open and safely available. One of the more challenging elements of that isolation is the apparent frenzy that takes place afterwards, the effort to "catch up" and get back into the swing of things once the sun comes out again. I know it's hard, but I think it's important to let others know when you feel the darkness coming so they can help you through it in whatever way they can. You know my mantra - Get It Before It Gets You. At the very least let others help you manage It along the way before It gets spinning out of control and everyone gets caught up in it. When we're caught up in it emotionally, the ability to help and be su pportive gets diluted and compromised. I am here.

> Love, Mom

> --------------------------------------------------

From: pushycat

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2005 11:47:20 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Mary W:

I am so sorry you had to find out about your 16 year old son like that...It is really sad the way Meth amphetimines affect men/boys...he may not be gay, he was just horney, and meth makes boys really twistedly horney...so it was all okay for him...its horible that he had to meet a preditor like that(they are called troll's in the gay world) they go to all kinds of places to pick up young boys they think are curious or gay and teach them the ways of adults, sadly their ways are not our ways...and more than one boy had gotten HIV from such people showing them the world...Please please talk to your son, ask him if he is gay, and get him into a group for gay teens if he is, so he can learn that not all guy people are like that, and he doesnt have to be like that, also, obvously, he needs to not do meth or anything, and if he is going to , tell him to snort it, not smoke it, shooting it is better than smoking it, people get LITERALLY CRAZier from smoking meth. smoking anything will change the chemical make up of a drug just enough to make it have different reactions. I hope you can handle the situation at hand, and Stay strong, your son might be confused and might not know that isnt how gay people act...just the ones he has come in contact with...and of course they are going to want a pretty little boy over someone who would have their old homo asses(sorry, but I dont respect trolls). so good luckand remember, talk to your son, if he is gay, support him if he denies it, support him, tell him it is okay if he is(becasue he may be lying) and just be there for him, becasue his actions may be due to confusion about his sexuality, not about drug addiction. but it will lead to drug addiction if not faced head on. Gay teens have a really hard time accepting their differences, and dont know how they are to act or who they are...you need to find out if he is confused, support him and maybe he wont do these things again...his drinking could stem from this confusion too...

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From: "Thom Forbes"

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2005 12:42:21 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

I've just published a blog item with links to a couple of interesting stories in the news today. If you read them, and are moved to tell your own story to encourage politicians to treat addicts rather than lock them up, please post on the Advocate thread or send Deirdre a private email.

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From: MaryW

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2005 16:39:14 -0700

Subject: Re: What's your story?

Thank you for your reply. We have asked my son many times if he might be gay. If that was the only thing bothering him we would rejoice. I am sure he is confused. One day while driving in the car he just started talking saying how he is not sure if he is bisexual. He says that he is obsessed with girls but he just is not comfortable approaching them. We have taken him to psychologists, psychiatrists, and even mental institutions. He knows how to play the game. Tells them what they want to hear, and then tries to get xanax. He came out of a bipolar inpatient facility in June. The psychologists who assessed him said there are no real underlying symptoms, maybe a little depression. They gave